Morrissey's letters to a penpal (1981)

In 1981 a guy named Robert Mackie was pen-pals with a guy named Steven Patrick Morrissey. Sometime in the late '80s Mr. Mackie photocopied the letters into a fanzine called "Words by Morrissey", which he then made available to anyone for the cost of postage.

Sometime in the late '90s I typed up all of these letters and posted 'em on my website, but a few years later I accidentally deleted the file from my web server. So, i'm now re-posting the letters; for the first time ever on the blog.

All spelling and punctuation marks are Morrissey's.

=============

Dear person,

So nice to know there's another soul out there, even if it is in Glasgow. Does being Scottish bother you? Manchester is a lovely place, if you happen to be a bedridden deaf mute. I'm unhappy, hope you're unhappy too.

In poverty,
Steven

===============

October 13th

Dear Paganini,

I'd thank you for your letter, but why should I? You didn't thank me for mine. And please don't call me "Steve"; it reminds me of the Bionic man, to whom I bear little resemblance. It's almost worse than being called "Stephen" which reminds me of someone with a snotty nose. So, please call me "Steven". Am I being unreasonable? Actually, I hate the name Steven, but I won't go into THAT. Rob is a strange name. Is it short for Rabid?

I was astounded to see the word "paroxysm" in your epistle - it must have taken you ages to find THAT ONE, Sonny. You may not believe that I've seen Scarey Bowie 14 times, but really, that's YOUR problem. However, the fact remains that I have (and, as the great Dr. Phyliss Chessler M.D. once said, "facts speak louder than statistics".) I saw Him first on September 3, 1972, and last on May 3, 1976. Why is it so impossible? And you say you've never seen him - shame!

I was born in Odessa, Texas. I repeat, why is it so impossible? You have a lot to unlearn, sonny. Are you really 18? My, my, how fascinating. You sound like such a fascinating person. No, I'm not a 'shop dummy' (such wit!), I don't work, except on my genius. I suppose you work in a factory? Your type usually do. Your list of Bowie platters was riveting. I have more or less the same ones. Isn't life strange?

Do you really like Kate Bush? I'm not surprised. The nicest thing I could say about her is that she's unbearable. That voice! Such trash! You'll learn, Sonny. Have you noticed I've called you 'Sonny' three time? Does it annoy you at all? Please answer. You ask, in your usual mesmerizing manner 'Why do we slag each other?'. Well, you're such an easy touch! No, seriously (who's joking?), YOU encourage it. I'm usually such a pleasant, undemanding soul really. Are you married? Such a silly question!!! Do you live with mom & pops? Do you have any other cheery young 'n trendies like YOU at home? Tell all.

You say you listen to "some electronics". Does that mean Miss Numan? If so, it was nice knowing you...

Besides Bowie, I dribble over the New York Dolls, Jobriath, Nico, and Magazine. Have you heard these people?

Did you get many replies to your fab ad? Anyone as fascinating as me? Don't answer that.

Did you see vintage Bowie on the OGWT 70's review? Almost funny if the rest of the programme wasn't such an obvious self-gratification slot for Mother Harris. Nice to see Alice Cooper, and weren't Roxy Music just Fab City?

So, which is your most treasured Bowie waxing? Or is it possible to say? See, a whole 1/4 page without an insult! "Ah's losin' mah touch" as the late great Tallulah Bankhead once said. "Is all life sad?" as the late great Jayne Mansfield said. "Bye, bye, poncho!" I said that.

I'm glad you enjoyed me in Rebel Without A Cause.

Love & trash,
Natalie Wood

October 22, 1980

Dear Sir Laurence,
So pleased that you enjoyed my last letter. Why don't you just admit that every word I write fascinates you? It would save so much time. The nicest thing I can say about your letter is that it exists. I consider it my puristic duty as self-elected chairman of our National League of Deceny to cultivate your mind at once. My only fear is that it may already be too late...

It was a terrible blow to hear that you actually worked. I didn't think anyone did so anymore. It's so old-fashioned to work. I'd much rather lounge about the house all day looking fascinating. I'd rather look fascinating than have a permanent income. Am I insane?

It wasn't very considerate of your parents to christen your "rabbit". Are they fond of little furry thing? And as for your being an only child, well, don't you know that all such people eventually become bisexual psychopaths?

I like Eno also, especially the 1st & 2nd albums and 'Backwater' off 'B&AS'. Also, Lou Reed. I love 'The Bells', it must be his best album ever. I have most of this stuff, and I've seen him 4 times.

Your interest in OMITD is surely the result of having nothing to do. I hate, loathe, detest, abhor, abominate, cannot stand or abide Miss Numan. To me, all electronic music is just a sad accident. So, you had an "exciting letter from Janine in Nottingham"; did you tell her that you had an exciting letter from Manchester? Of course you did!

You ask if I'm interested in Art. Well, there's art and there's Art. Do you mean paintings, or creative writing? I am interested in films which are Art to me, and also, BOOKS, and some 'music'...

It's interesting about your friend who shaved his legs. Are all your friends like this? Incidentally, I saw you on TV last week - but why did you choose the name Julia Grant? It's nice of you to bring Cliff Richard up to my level, but he really doesn't deserve it. And why do you say you're an only child when your last letter mention a "sister"?

What would you like to know about America, bucko? Don't tell me you've never been! Every schmuck has been to America (and incidentally, only the uneducated say "America", the hip lingo specialists say "the States", baby.)

What are your favorite films? What's your fave color? Answers on a postcard please.

As for your medical jigsaw, I hope it turns out to be pornographic. Why don't you send me a nice photograph? Isn't that what we're supposed to do?

Write soon, there's a good boy.

Aesthetically,
Oscar Wilde

Dear Tugboat Annie,

Thank you for your letter which had nothing remotely to do with the English language as we know it. I shall light a candle for you this Sunday - how else could you be saved?

This jigsaw business is really gripping I just can't wait to get it completed (yawn).

Thank you for the photo. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Grace Jones? You sound like a real fun kid. The postcard was a scream - I feel asleep reading it. Is it too late to ignore your Sounds ad?

So, you don't think I'm insane? Coming from you this isn't too encouraging. I'm convinced that you're insane. I'm usually right about these things.

Today I bought "Love Zombies" by the Monochrome Set. It's a lovely record, but I feel I would enjoy it much more if I had a long mac. Actually, I have three. Are YOU "bleak 'n industrial"?

I'm sorry you lost your sister. That sounds very careless. I wish I could lose mine.

What End music doth you dig? I have always considered "Tiger mountain" to be one of the best albums ever, and "Warm Jets" is fab too. As for old Uncle Lou - "The Bells" must be his 'meisterwork'. As for 'BICAMERAL' (everyone knows what this means, schmock-face), why not observe the run-off of 'Boy's Keep Swinging'? Heavens above!

Don't tell me you take acid! I might have known you're so typically 1980. As for the "lrn-Bru", well, such things are beneath discussion. I supposed you like "Not the Nine 'O Clock News" too, and masturbate to pictures of Anha Ford SO typical.

Since you so politely ask, in my spare time I waltz around sunny Manchester looking sultry, overeducated, and kinda deco (whatever that means). I consider it my only real purpose in life to look as bored as humanly possible. I'm SO old-fashioned.

Here is what burning waxings that presently turn me on (babee);

Today I died again (Simple Minds)
How I wrote elastic man (The Fall)
The end (Nico)
Frankenstein (New York Dolls)
Sweetheart Contract (Magazine)
Fantastic voyage (David Bowie)
6060-842 (B-52's)
My cheery is in Sherry (Ludus)

Do you get out much? Or do you watch television all week? You really don't tell me much about yourself. Are you catholic, or what? The questions are getting desperatesville. Who are you anyway? I know absolutely NOTHING about you. Maybe it's just as well, Are you a nice person? Are your parents rich? Do you smoke (I supposed you do)? Failure to answer these questions may result in prosecution. I wish you'd send me a photo. I like to see who I'm criticising. Oh well, I'm off upstairs to play "Love Zombies"!

Your good friend of friends,
Ronald Regan

December 4, 1981 Dear Robert

Thank you most sincerely (folks) for your letter, which was an education in itself. Like Shakespeare before you, you stir a place in my heart unstirred since, well, I don't have to tell you EVERYTHING, do I? Oh, and thank you for your photo. It came in handy until the plumber arrived. Did you know you had a dead caterpillar on your lip? Real deco, man. You could have smiled but it's dreadfully unfashionable, isn't it? Observe the enclosed piccy of your author, disguised as an artiste. This photograph is suitable for framing. Incidentally your real name IS Robert, isn't it? Everyone in Scotland is either Robert or Billy or Jimmae. Have you got a real Scottish accent? How novel! Why don't you join a traveling circus? I'm honoured that you liked my writing paper. As for your paper, well, it's very blue. Are you really a protestant? How sad. You'll never know the joys of the church in that case? Wouldn't you just LOVE to kiss the Pope's feet? Spider and I? Piffle me boy. There Gops Concorde? Sputter-butter. Vienna? Hogwash. It's a good job you have me around to provide continual cultivation.

Your mentioning pernod brings me back to the Aladdin Sane tour (I discovered they drink then.) These days it's strictly cinzano, or vodra. But yes, I'm missing Mae terribly (Raquel? What an insult!) And to think she was only 88...such a waste.

No, I wouldn't wish to terminate our astral relationship. You are, I'll admit, a curious psychological study, and I'm sure you have a sense of humour...somewhere. Nope, we're not close to the blast, so don't worry your little brain. People have been panicking about The Bomb since the early 50's. Things haven't changed.

But if it does drop, well, meet me on the desert shore (as the old song goeth).

Have you ever traveled anywhere overseas? Have you ever been to Manchester? Have you ever been to, or would you like to go to, the boring old states? I'm going back there on Jan 15th. Yipee. Away from this godforsaken place. I'll be going to New York first, and then on to Colorado where I'll be living. I'll give you my address there as I hope you'll continue to mesmerize me with your pushing intellect. I'll miss Coronation Street and I'll miss Top of the Pops (Yes, I watch it damnit), but I WON'T miss Spandau Ballet.

Will you send me some pornography? Do you HAVE a girlfriend? Do you LIKE girls? I have a girlfriend called Annalisa. We're both bisexual. Real hip, huh? I hate sex.

What exactly do you DO with your life anyway? You don't tell me ANYTHING.

There's a fab film on BBC1 on Saturday at 4:30, "Murder she said" with Margaret Rutherford.as the groovy Miss Marple as created by the un-groovy Agatha Christie. Watch it you cretin. Or perhaps you'll be too busy at the Virgin mega-store? Wake up at the back there.

Have you filled in your NME poll sheet yet? Ha ha (yawn). Are there any local groups up there worth writing home to mother about?

Well, I really must watch Loyden Wainwright in concert on mal, tee-vee. Write to me soon and try to smile.
Avenge,
Steven

10 December

Dear Rob,
I thought I'd scribble out a few old words while I'm waiting for the oven to heat up. Thank you, sir, for the Marlene card - I didn't think you capable of anything quite so tasteful. You just never begin to amaze me! But no, it really isn't my burfday on December 25th - you're getting me confused with J.C., and it's good of you to bring him up to my level, but does he deserve it? Answer briefly.

Your pole lilac is acceptable, you say you've only been writing to me for a few weeks and already you're progressing. I'm not the only one that can save you now. Oh yes, my lifestyle is very interesting - beyond description even. As Lord Howard once whinged; "sometimes I stand, and sometimes I sit". These are the quotes, folks. It's all these wild scenes in Manchester, you know.

I'm going out to the states to redeem the social outcasts. My only real ambition is to cultivate Texas. I love Texas. You must watch "The last picture show", on BBC-2 on Sunday. Do you have BBC-2 up there? That film! It was my first real sexual relationship. To me seeing and loving a great film is like having a sexual relationship. Real Gothic, man (as the Greeks would say).

Oh my! Yes, the poor Velvets! I spent my entire 12th year locked in my bedroom with "All tomorrow's parties"! I was such an incendiary child. Nico's voice paralyses the imagination. I'll be your mirror, reflect what you are, in case you don't know. Ah yes, I remember it all well. As for the court of the Crimson King, well, I never did like Genesis. Lou Reed Live? Such a novelty! Poor Lou was never "live". Always insufficient wit, and how did "Walk on the Wild Side" get passed the BBC censors? TOTP even! Ah yes, I remember it well. You, of course, are far too young. Per nod after the breast? Very  philosophic.

No, no, no, you wouldn't want to go to Moscow. It's far too draughty . Big countries are. And you would be completely lost in Germany. Think of all the intellectual pressure? I'd rather imagine you in say, Majorca or Benidorm. And wouldn't the Australian bush be better than Glasgow?  America is very like England - except, of course, for the language.

Yes, I know Orange Juice, (I do read my NME, y'know). Such lovable hair-do's. Nostalgic. About 3 people turned up. The group were appalling and I'll know better next time.  On Tuesday I saw The Motels. Why? Don't ask silly questions. This has been a bad week. Bowie on K-Tel! Are you ready for THAT? Of all revolting labels on God's dear earth.

Yes, I love jazz (IE Ludus). I wish you wouldn't mention Miss Numan. Or, should I say "Miss Thing". I dislike him more than I can tell you. People with receding hairlines never know much about anything.  And such ugly shoe-taste too. You ought to be ashamed! Why don't you repent by rushing down to your mega-store and buying Nico's "The End" or "Chelsea Girl" - or even "Desertshore"? If you leave now you'll just be in time for the next bus.

Oh yes, celibacy is real hip (sister), but, "no man is an island" so the saying goeth. And haven't you HEARD about sexual repression? You'll probably end up strangling your mother or becoming some deranged bisexual psychopatic child-murderer. So sad about John. I almost cried. I have none of this records and didn't care about The Beatles. But when people who devote a part of their lives to 'peace' are shot 5 times for it, well, THAT disturbs me. It's always the wrong people. Nobody would assassinate our dear prime minister. Is all life sad? What are YOU going to do with your life? I always like to end my letters on a serious note.

Be young, be foolish, and be happy.
Steven

P.S. I repeat: is your name ROBERT?
P.P.S. There isn't one.

March 10 1981

Dear Robert (very strange)

Ah well, home is where the art is. I flew in from Philadelphia yesterday (but of course, dear!). Your glorious majestic letter arrived minutes before I left the unglorious unmajestic mid-west for fab "Philly" (as we young moderns call it). I'm going to New Jersey for the summer, but until, I'm nesting here in mah old little house living on fresh air and grass. Why don't you come and visit me? Why don't I come and visit you? I'd love to see Glasgow, dead cultural. or at least you should come down here for a day and I could give you a tour of our colonial city, and after I've woken you up we could eat at my fave place, the Great American Disaster. Think about it. It can't be that expensive, and you're probably rolling in it anyway. So, what have you been doing? How long have you been doing it? And do you wash your hands when you've finished? Wake up, there's more! Yes, ah'm an artiste! How did you guess? I've just had a book published on the New York Dolls, I'd love to send you a copy, but I only have two myself. Watch out for my James Dean book. Such a torrid, crazy, insane life I lead! I am presently forming a group, in fact have done so. We are called Angels Are Genderless and are rehearsing as soon as my jet-lag subsides. So, what's exciting in YOUR life, young feller-me-lad?

I heard that the 'Scary Monsters' 45 got to No.12, but you say it made it to No.20. Someone is lying! Ve haff vays to find ze truth! It's a terrible bore that "Up the hill" is the next single. I'm glad you bought and liked "Desert shore". Such a refined record too, esp "All that is my own". Since you ask, the US music scene is a right! Even in New York they play all that you'd expect to hear - the stones, the Beatles, and Springsteen. Daring. "New wave" djs will risk lynching and play the Pretenders. I heard 'Cars' by Shirley Numan and it sounded glorious to me (yes, things were THAT bad). So strange to come back to grey old England and see 13 year old boys with yellow hair. What could it all mean? And who are Duran Duran anyway? Adam Ant bores the shit out of me.

Davey-boy isn't as recognized as he ought to be over yonder. Most people are still outraged at the mention of his name. I haven't seen the Elephant Man yet, and won't rest until I do. The play, of course, was out of the question. Pernod! Smashing windows? You want taking in hand. What does your mother say about all this? You young ruffians! But yes, I too sing along to David's records - Cygnet Committee Unwashed & Slightly Dazed got me through February.

I received letters from brainy Bryan because I tugged at his sleeve and begged him to write. He did so. What a jerk! Those were the days. I haven't heard "Jealous guy" yet, but Roxy Music don't surprise me anymore. They're still looking for something they've always wanted but was never there's.
Oh well, back to "Secondhand daylight". Isn't Howard a riot? To think we used to drink together - more name-dropping, I'm such a bore. He once told me how he'd love to sleep with skinny Iggy Flop. Such ambition! And I'm sure it's been fulfilled by now.

And tell me 'o wise thing, is there anyone sleeping in YOUR bed? You can tell me EVERYTHING!

Your friend,
Steven

384 Kings Road
Stretford
Manchester m32-86w
(061-881-7125) <- No, I don't expect a phone-call, but then I don't expect ANYTHING!

Top 'o de mornen

I'm so glad that you called me, but I feel I would have enjoyed our converation so much more if I actually knew what you were saying. Why can't you speak proper, like we do? And now that I know what the "R" stands doe, I must know what the "H" in your name stands for. Reveal all, or I shall tell everyone it's Horace.

Why do you have such an odd address, IE 22-60, do you live in a shop? Or a barn? I must know everything. I'm sorry to hear that your friend is going to Australia. He doesn't sound very intelligent. Nobody with any sense goes there. Never mind, you won't be lovely, after all, you have my letters...

What 60's records do you listen to? I'm presently ga-ga over "To sir, with Love" by, gulp, Lulu. Do I need therapy? I wasn't aware that Midge posed as Bryan, but let's not bitch it could be worse I'd rather people imitate Bryan and David than say Jagger or Presely. and incidentally, do you still have that dead caterpillar on your top lip?

I hope you enjoyed The Man Who Feel To Earth, and if you did, then you're the first one who has. Whenever you decide to "drop in". I'll be pleased to see you. I might even talk to you...Manchester is hardly Las Vegas, but I'm sure there will be something to amuse you (and I'm thinking specifically about my shoe collection). There are lots of thoroughly modern millies around here who look like extra from 'Satyricon', so if you don't find me very funny then you can laugh at someone else.

If you come at Easter, please bring me an egg (a chocolate one, not boiled) If you don't bring me an egg I shall probably be violent, or cry for the extent of your visit. Do you find me childish at all?

I'm going to London in about a month for a weekend with my friend Jimmy. He has a huge flat and we often sit on the balcony looking for UFO's. We're such a wild pair (yawn)... one so modern as you would find all this boring but most people find us both tres amusing.

I'm sure there are worse groups than Duran Duran, but I'll be damned if I can think of any. The Polecats have just been on duh box destroying John, I'm Only Miming now if they REALLY had any imagination they'd shoot themselves.

How doth thou feel about Simple Minds? I love their "Empires and Dace", but that's me all over, ready to LAHHVV. And have you even HEARD the Monochrome Set? How can anyone go thru life without the dear, cuddly Monochrome Set? Why don't you go out now and buy a Ludus record? So unimaginative! I'm glad your body is still untouched by human hands, at least it gives you something to look forward to, besides Christmas.

I'm sorry to hear that you take your doctor's advice. Is there any cure for this? What did he tell you about the Pernods anyway? And did he say anything about a beer-belly? I'm presently listening to that Vienna by Ultrahype, real deco man. Which papers do you buy? NME is a scream, isn't it? Bags of fun. Howard Devoto is staying with my friend Linder this week, so I'm going over tomorrow to chew the fast, as they say. Don't you think I'm an interesting person? Didn't think so.

Jesus Loves You!
El Morrissey

10-December

Overjoyed with your letter. Glad we're back to normal (although I'm not too sure in my case...) isn't this snow a horro chamber? I hate snow, and snow hates me. I've spent the last hour shoveling the path. And I thought I'd be in Hollywood by now... Virgin? And no lust of any kind? Why can't you give love one more chance? Yes, I remain depressed (didn't you ever notice I was a manic-depressive?) but no, I'm not pretty. "I am angry, I am ill, and I'm ugly as sin", so the old song goes.

You missed the Dolls! I'll be on the next train to Glasgow to disembowel you. Well, did you see "Whatever happened to baby Jane", "Autumn Leaves", "Tiger Bay" or "Passport to Pimlico"? Bought any books lately, or are you still wrestling with Shakespeare? I buy at least 30 books per week. "East of Eden" is a wonderful film. My ambition is to track down Richard Davalos (who played Aron, the angelic brother) and interview him.

Bauhaus? Most discombobulating. Stranglers? Absolute flimflam.  And wasn't "Under Pressure" a spectacular disaster? He's signing with Virgin for at least 5 million. Meaty! I experienced Nico too. She's living nearby and can often be seen whirling about glamorous Manchester in a black cape humming "Le Pattite Chevalie".

Me: I'm listening to Noel Coward, George Formby, Sandie Shaw and Cilla Black. See, I never change.

You've lost my phone number? Surely not. Didn't you have it tattoed on your forehead? Well, for those who care: 061-881-7125. Are you still slaving away? Are you happy? All these complicating questions. Life is a terrible, terrible thing, Robert.

Going Down Slow,
Steven

P.S. Any New Pix of Yourself?

[end]

Comments

[Jayomatic]

How pleasant!

[Travis]

Your obsesssion is unhealthy.

[Msngs]

WOW! Incredible letters.

I love Moz, wow, what an honor and hilarious privilege it would've been to've known him then.

Thanks for posting these letters!

USA Me

[kshaq10]

Bionic man,Now my heart is full.So very funny,such a charming lad.Moz has and will always be an original.Thank you -p.s I have a feeling moz stopped writing you?

[John Mc]

Treasure em forever as one day he will write no more and like so many other artists/singers/creatures/sadandlonelies they are worth more than gold.

Long live the memories.

[Ellie Moz Fan]

Fantastic. Sarcastic. A great read. Wish we could see what 'Robert' wrote back lol

[shaun]

great, new ways to end letters...
jesus loves you

[Esteban]

Nice to read these again after all those years!

[Doodlewhore.com]

These are so great! Is there any way we could see the actual scans of the letters? I love his handwriting.

[earthdog70]

Fantastic-I knew he had a lady friend!

[Brutus]

This is wicked stuff. Morrissey had a sense of humour, even back then. It's nice for him to acknowledge his bisexuality. He mentioned he hates sex, but that's because it was with women. Morrissey is now and was always gay; I'm not sure what the big deal is. He doesn't like to admit it, but these letters are pretty strong proof of his ability to flirt with men and his interest in bisexuality.

[El Chacho]

The mentioning of forming a band Angels are Genderless was that the working title for the Smiths. Definatley has his flair. So his goilfiend was bi- like him (how endearing). Men with receeding hairlines do not know anythung, well stevie moz you sport a majestic pompador with yours. Miss Numan-why that hate, gary your okay with me.

[Marcia Rokk]

the 1st and 2nd letters were a little bit cold, and arrogant, but, from the 3rd it was really, really cool. it's a little strange to get deep this much into Morrissey's life. it just isn't healthy, but it was clearing to me, ande very, very fun and interesting.
I love morrissey's songs anyway!

[Jo]

This letters are amazing, thanx for taking the time to type these up.

Your a true gent.

[Alex Hoban]

How very wow.

[MJ]

Great! I think I may have to grab some quotes from here. ha!